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Tool · Interpersonal effectiveness

DEAR MAN script builder

A guided DBT worksheet for the conversations you've been avoiding — asking for something, or saying no. Script each step in your own words and take a printable plan into the room with you.

What is DEAR MAN?

DEAR MAN is DBT's skill for getting what you want while keeping the relationship — and your self-respect — intact. Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, stay Mindful, Appear confident, Negotiate. You don't need to fill every box; even a rough script lowers the temperature of a hard conversation.

0 of 7 steps scripted0%

First, the context

D

Describe

Describe the current situation factually — just what a camera would record. No judgements, no interpretations.

  • Stick to what was said or done, not why
  • Avoid words like always, never, selfish
  • One or two sentences is enough
E

Express

Express your feelings and opinions about the situation. Use “I” statements — they are hard to argue with.

  • “I feel…” instead of “you make me feel…”
  • Name the feeling precisely: hurt, worried, left out
  • Don't expect the other person to read your mind
A

Assert

Assert yourself by asking clearly for what you want — or saying no plainly. One clear sentence, not a hint.

  • Ask for one specific, doable thing
  • A clear no is kinder than a resentful maybe
  • Keep it short; over-explaining dilutes it
R

Reinforce

Reinforce — explain the positive effects of giving you what you ask for. People repeat what is rewarding.

  • What's in it for them, honestly?
  • Link it to the relationship, not a bribe
  • You can also name the natural consequence of not changing
M

stay Mindful

Stay mindful of your objective. Don't get pulled onto side topics, old fights, or attacks. Broken-record your point, calmly.

  • Repeat your ask like a broken record — same calm words
  • “That may be true, and my request is still…”
  • Notice when you're being redirected; gently return
A

Appear confident

Appear confident and effective, even if your heart is racing. Body first, mind follows.

  • Steady, even voice — not whispering, not shouting
  • Upright posture, shoulders relaxed
  • Comfortable eye contact; no apologising for asking
N

Negotiate

Negotiate — be willing to give to get. Offer alternative solutions, and ask the other person for theirs.

  • Decide in advance what you can flex on — and what you can't
  • “What would work for you?” invites collaboration
  • A smaller yes now beats a perfect no

Take your script with you

Enter your email and we'll send a soft, printable PDF of your script — with a few gentle cues for the moment itself. It also downloads straight away.

We only use your email to send the script and occasional gentle notes.